Matt's Conflict

Matt is very passionate about playing the guitar and because he is so in love with what he does it comes off in his writing. He immediately had me interested within the first sentence, I wanted to know what wild turn his life had taken down the road of life. Matt adds a decent amount of details throughout the paper that may seam insipid to some but helped me to realize what was going and and become not just an audience member but a band member. This is a fascinating topic for a personal conflict narrative and although this paper does have redeemable qualities it has not yet reached its full potential. I understand Matt's conflict but I am unsure of how his position on that conflict changed over time or the factors that influenced his perspective. Matt does a great job of letting us in to the pain he felt and labeling the club promoter as the antagonist, but a personal conflict essay needs more than just a good guy and a bad guy.

In Matt's final draft he changed my favorite part of the paper; the opening sentence. Rather than just assuming the feeling Matt was having on stage, he is describing it to us, with a more detailed explanation of his feelings.  He explains how music isn't just the love of his life, but how after that first show it had become his life.  In the first essay I was a bit confused about the reason for the ticket sales but my questions are answered within the third paragraph, and explained how it is hated by all bands, but welcomed by the clubs. In the first essay the number twenty five had no meaning to me but because Matt is explaining how difficult it is to sell twenty five tickets I feel more clued in to his struggles, and the strict policy regarding these ticket sales. Because all these details have been added the role of the bass player makes much more sense and the situation is explained in a way that makes much more sense. Because of the details Matt is adding I feel as if I am in this dimly lit  club. In this draft of the essay we are getting to know who Paul is; rather than just assuming him as the antagonist. Matt's writing in his final draft is much more mature, his understanding of the conflict grew throughout his writing which helped the reader to better understand him and empathize with him. 

When I write my personal narrative I would like it to have some of the qualities Matt's paper did. I don't want the reader to feel as if they are not simply and audience member, I want them to feel as if they are part of the show. I want to describe my feelings to the point that they aren't just mine anymore. I have so much passion for writing, just like Matt did for music and I want it to show in my writing just as his love for music did in his. I would like to go more in depth than Matt's paper did both in feeling and context. In his first paper it was a story of a good guy and a bad guy but in his later draft we see that there is much more below the surface but he doesn't dig quite deep enough. When I write my paper I do not want to leave any questions in the readers mind, my readers will feel as if the experience I write about is both theirs and mine.